Friday, June 22, 2012

PBP 15: That time when I Accidentally Married a Land Spirit

Circle round, kids. I'm making up for not posting (we're not going to talk about the fact my poison posts are 3 weeks behind okay?) by telling you a ridiculous tale from the Shaman realms. It's a true tale.

First let me explain to you what my Shaman Realms facet/self looks like. She's about 4 feet tall with wolf ears and tail and wild purpleish white hair and piercing eyes and an absolutely-no-bullshit-attitude. She has no patience for stupid people or beings and just gets shit done and goes home and tends herbs. She's not the romantic type, aight? Moving on.

Once upon a time...I had a sudden attraction for Deer spirits. Specifically Stags. I felt the call, the little tug of 'yo you need to talk to us we have shit to discuss and handle'. So I went to His forest (the groom in question is a giant white stag, dappled, predictably) and we had a little stare down, which is how you say hello in the rough-and-tumble Shamanic underworlds, okay.

So we exchange the cursory hellos, and he hands me (except with his mouth, deer obviously don't have hands) this necklace thing, with this blue gem. And I'm like "Thanks bro, but what the hell do I do with this thing?" Upon which point he directs me into the forest. So there's some running involved until we hit this lake. And I have to swim to the bottom of this thing with the necklace and unlock this predictably stupid puzzle box thing at the bottom. Oh, by the way, there'll be strange dead spirits that attack you at the bottom. Why, of course there are. This is the Shaman realms.

So turns out the necklace is the key for this box, and in this box are these two blue egg things. Which is a little odd, but whatever. I take them anyway, and take all 3 items back to the stag. At which point he tells me some cryptic information about tests and the future and it begins to get a little weird. But possibly the weirdest part is, nothing happened. He just let me leave with the junk, so I did.

(The necklace is some defensive ward thing and the eggs went to my pair of Dragons, whom I raised from eggs themselves, btw.)

{Side story. Once upon another time I aided a dying river spirit to pass on. She handed me two eggs to thank me, which I kept warm and comfy in piles of Underworld herbs. They hatched to be a pair of silvery white Chinese dragons with pretty awesome healing abilities. Twins, don't you know. I call them Qin and Lin because it's cutesy. They're also adorable and I love them. End of side story.}

So I'm back at the Underworld house, tending the herbs, and start arriving. Just...weird things. Baubles and coins and little figurines of deer. Just left at the doorstep. I thought it was weird, but just took it anyway, at first. I wasn't about to leave things like that to waste. But then...the next day the gifts intensified. Like huge gift baskets of ice statuary and giant antlers hung with gold and jewels. Ridiculous things. And my other self was like "Yeah no, fuck this." and proceeded to ignore it.

The next day there was like twice the amount of pure gift boxery. This time there was even a fawn. And at this point it became apparent what was happening.

Apparently the "tests" with the lake were tests you put a potential significant other through to make sure they're worthy to have that status. So apparently we accidentally did engagement rituals with a Stag god, because nobody is honest in the Shaman realms in telling you why you're doing things, you get me?

And by apparently by accepting the first gift in Stag-language that translated as accepting the proposal I wasn't quite aware he was making. Just because my Shaman self doesn't like to waste raw materials. I mean really?

So we tried the high road. We ignored it and he began sending gifts complete with live messengers that looked very scared to our gates. And everybody else (my spirits, guides, friends, deities) I knew thought it was hilarious I had a Stag god pining for my other self's hand in marriage. (Remember how she's very angry all the time and doesn't take ANY bullshit? Not exactly the kind, gentle marrying type of woman.)

So for roughly 30 straight days he was sending gifts of finery. Fine dresses and cloth and weird exotic birds and gold and jewels. Which, ironically, my other self really doesn't appreciate, so they all went ignored. And apparently he was just not taking the hint. So at the appropriate end of 30 days (what was supposed to be the wedding day) she marched herself back down to his forest, walked up the more or less forest aisle, and legitimately punched him in the chest.

Let me reiterate. My 4 foot tall Shaman Self gave 0 fucks and punched a huge Stag God in the chest.

Okay, moving on.

He was, as you can guess, pretty mad, which resulted in a lot of "But why wouldn't you want to be the wife of a God? I can give you anything you desire, etc etc etc" and my other self was just not very amused because for some reason Gods never seem to take no for an answer, or even, you know, ask directly for an answer.

So she proceeded to rip him a new one and explain in detail why she doesn't have time for such shit and would you just handle your own nonsense because if you have enough time to be running around proposing to people you have more than enough time to make sure the earthly world isn't going to shit, or humans aren't being idiots again, or that your own realm isn't falling apart at the seams. She then proceeded to instruct him on his failings as a God, and that he should just handle his shit. She then proceeded to walk out of the now-silent congregation of forest spirits and a very shocked God.

To his credit, he never sent gifts again.

(My shaman self did send the dress back; she felt bad.)

Now back to your regularly scheduled posting.

1 comment:

  1. I love it! They do like being cryptic don't they. Also a good example of nothing is exactly what it seems in the spirit world.