Monday, July 2, 2012
Musings Monday: Life on the Knife's Edge
Once I asked the Morrigan why she seems to attract a certain type of person. Not insane, but almost there. On the edge of something. Maybe a little too far into the hedge. A little...touched. (But you have to be to work these hours.)
She told me "I call to those who live on the knife's edge."
I understand the knife's edge two ways: between sanity and going off the edge, and the line between faith and reason. The latter is what I am mostly referring to in this post.
So you may recall a while ago (Around a month and a half) I wrote up a post on the seeming lack I have in the 'faith' department. (Read that or this one might not make sense.) It was at the same time a longing for faith, of any sort, without being blind, and a hesitant celebration of skepticism.
I asked, in the last post, whether it was a blessing or a curse. I think I know now: blessing.
Now, a few weeks later, I find I was wrong. I think my way of thinking--and 'believing'--is absolutely the only way I can do it. I have learned things in the past few weeks...one of which is that this works for me. It's healthy for me.
I'm calling it living on a knife's edge. On one side is absolute blind reason and the other is blind belief. I made a similar metaphor in post # 1.
I spoke, in that post, of how I need to be able to (astrally) test things, and so all of my belief is technically based on non-physical evidence. Everything I believe, I have seen, just not here, in this life. (One could argue that the fact I 'believe' I can go to the astral is also a faith thing. I prefer to keep an element of hypocrisy around at all times.)
I have realized I can no longer do blind belief. Maybe I could, when I was 'young' (I sometimes forget I've only been pagan for 4 years...) and hadn't see too much of the world. The Astral ages you. It breaks your mind again and again until you realize how puny your mind was. Now, the idea of a nicely cut black/white evil/good creator god that's good paradigm seems so puny to me. So small, in the huge black expanse of space. Puny humans and their tiny little naive paradigms that swaddle them at night.
No. I was wrong in that post. I can no longer do blind faith. In any one thing.
I no longer desire the comfort of blind faith. I feel as though it encases the soul and disallows us to interpret contrary evidence in a proper manner. As I said in my other posts in the past, filtering evidence through a paradigm you already have instead of breaking it can dillute the lessons you're supposed to be getting. I feel as though it holds back more than it aids or teaches. For someone like me, a Chaos outlook is the only way to go. (Nothing is true, everything is permitted, but we can use belief to exact change anyway.)
I cannot do blind reason either. The astral has intruded into my life so many times in this, the physical realm (many times with witnesses besides me) that I would be just as puny and naive to deny there is another side. I wasn't happy at all being a hard facts atheist because it was denying my other sides. I freely admit I doubt and think myself insane some days. You can rest assured by the time I write a blog entry on one of these experiences it has been searched and re-searched for reality checks. I am constantly checking myself. I used to think this was a sign of a lack of faith/annoying. I recognize now this keeps me grounded. I am greatful for my disbelief-belief cycle. It keeps me HERE while I pogress astrally, over THERE.
Sometimes, especially with Shamanic/Hedge/Astral walkers, we tumble too far off the knife's edge. Sometimes it ends in insanity. Sometimes we cut out everything entirely. That's the nature of living on the edge. You can never get comfortable, lest you lose your balance and not realize until it's too late. There are a system of checks and balances you have to stay directly to the center. To lose them is to almost lose your grip on what's the reality and what's the 'dream'.
Living on the knife's edge is uncomfortable. You walk the path and slice your feet and stumble and lean too far to one side or the other. Beings will try to throw your balance. People will try to throw your balance. You have more things betting on your outcome (insanity, denial) than you can imagine. You become at once your own worst enemy and your greatest friend. You will see truths in the lies others sleep in at night, and feel the pain of never speaking them to those not ready due to blind belief. You will want to share your crazy new understanding of truths, but no-one will listen. It's the curse of the Oracle: To be able to See but to not be taken seriously. Such is what living here, and seeking the truth beyond truth, means.
That said. I'm now very greatful for my inability to blindly believe. While I may be sacrificing momentary security, I need to know. I need to climb until I hit a 'divine ceiling', then figure out what's above that. I can't stop with a pantheon--Greek or Egyptian or Something Else. I need to see what level is above that. What level is above human-made gods? What is their function? Is there something above? I need to see the man behind the curtain. I won't be satisfied until I can see the inside gears of the universe and what makes everything tick. Humans are a small drop of life in a huge, massive mess of universes and planes and the astral. My mind is not satisfied stopping with a comfortable single pantheon.
I cannot believe just one pantheon; to do so would disbelieve others (to some extent) and I can't do that. I'm too Chaos for stringent belief or atheism. I believe something long enough to prove it disprove it, and that informs step 2, which is evidence gathering. I'm an endless searcher, and I think if I had settled, all that time ago, into a comfortable position with a Patron/Matron and serving them forver, I would have never pushed the boundaries. And I'm so grateful for the fact my soul just wouldn't let me do it. Now, I see the wisdom in it.
To observe the world, without subscribing to any one thing while carrying out business elsewhere, above their heads--that's what my soul was telling me. And I finally listened.
Because that's what I must do. I feel it on my bones, like a bad itch. It says, Go higher. Push harder. Seek further. Find the little man behind the curtain. Push past human-made pantheons and misconceptions. Seek out those in power even above the Gods and the Gods of other life forms, just to see what is there. And, once there, take it apart and put it back together just to understand it.
This is why I cannot be satisfied as a typical Pagan deity dedicant. I've seen, glimpsed beyond the veil of human-ness and I saw the other side. I went beyond the beyond. I've seen beyond those gods and I have seen them made small, like us, in the vast expanse of everything. There is power in them, yes. But there is always, always something above. And I have to know why, and how. Not to worship. Not to be grateful to. Just to comprehend. And at first I perceived this as a problem in myself: a failing at being Human. Now I see it is my greatest gift in this life.
Turns out I can't live anywhere but firmly on the knife's edge.