Saturday, August 11, 2012

On Not Having 'Work'



Work, of course, means the Spirit-kind. Spirit-work.

If you've been Called to any path of service (Spirits, Humans, Gods) you're probably aware that, generally, you get handed Work. Sometimes forcibily, sometimes willingly taken. Sometimes sporadic, sometimes round-the-clock work. If you become a Shaman, the work is, generally non-stop.

Here's something that has distinctly bothered me since the day the Spirits told me I could call myself by the title 'Shaman'. (Following a long and harrowing year long shadow work process.) I feel like I don't have 'Work', and when I do, it's sporadic at best.

It's not for lack of wanting. I really would like to do some good, every day, for those I work with and for. I see many writers on the 'net who are engaged in constant Spirit-work. Sometimes it's positively draining and everything else stops for it. Sometimes your life changes to accomodate the Work. But, generally, at some point, you have Work.

This has been bothering me since I began this path, and only now am I really putting it to paper.

Eventually, the Work finds you. You have Land Spirits come to you and say, hey you, do this for me, and we'll forge a partnership. Human Spirits find you, asking to be helped. The Land itself finds you, showing you your duties on this path.

I feel like my Work never found me. At least not like that.

I know certain parts of my Work in this life in general. I know my role is Teacher. I know my role is partner to Animal and Land Spirits. I know my role is between the worlds, an astral life and this life. I know my role is (to be) Healer. I know all these things, but I feel like I'm missing the Work. The Spirit-work.

I feel somehow I'm missing the point somewhere on my path. Why aren't Spirits finding me, left and right, asking for help I could provide? Why aren't things seeking shelter with me? This might sound crazy to some, to ask for a burden, but it's a burden I dedicated myself to when I began this path. So the fact so many are engaged in Duties, but I'm not, almost makes me wonder at the legitimacy of my own practice.

I have to wonder...is it Spirit-blindness? Do things need my help, but can't get through? Am I too blind to follow the signals? These things I wonder.

I don't regret not having Work. It's given me freedom to build my own foundations at my own pace, with my own tools. But it continuously makes me wonder 'Should I be doing something now, that I'm not doing...? Why does nothing need MY help...?'

I partly know the answer to that. My guide, K, is what I like to call my Shamanic secretary. Sometimes he does things for my own good that end up bothering me. I know he essentially owns my Shamanic datebook. I think the major reason things aren't coming to call all the time is his influence. He tends to go off and handle things for me, just to allow me to live a freer life. But this is something I feel I have to do. I feel the next step in my path is opening to the Work.

I know that work will majorly be healing people and animals on this plane. But I also feel the Call to aid Land and Animals on a global scale.

A few months ago, I actually went to my Shamanic guide and asked for Work, myself. And she basically said 'All you had to do was ask.' And I had to complete 7 global tasks, and after that items and more of my purpose was revealed to me. But no Work has come through since then. And, to me, it seems weird that I have to ASK for work. Like there's silence on my Spirit-line, and that silence is disconcerting. Moreso than if it were buzzing.

Before I knew what Shamanism was, when I was 18, Spirits were all over me, all the time. Animal spirits in my room, 24/7. All sizes and species. A zoo around me, all the time, everywhere. And I know it was a signal to somebody Spirit-blind they needed to hurry up and figure out their path, because time wasn't going to wait up.

Now that I have been on this path for a while, I realize the question I always had: Where did they go?

I think many people can relate to feeling much more jazzed and connected to Everything when they first began their path. My senses were sharper, I spent more time in Journey and meditation, and things were really alive. I think a large portion, for me, is lacking stability right now. A college graduate with no stable job, trying on her own to start up a small business or two, still living at home, with a family of Roman Catholics who look at me askance. Not ideal conditions. When I was beginning, I was in a fertile, small community of other Spirit-workers, so in a sense I came from the best possible conditions. I wonder if having that comparison reflects on my work now.

I wonder, recently, whether I will ever have 'Work', in the typical sense. I never felt Called to work with a Deity in a close relationship, offerings and all that. Even my 'Shamanic Patron' is not a close Deity relationship. All of my relations feel distant, and I don't know how to go about fixing that. Because doing offerings and typical things feels wrong. But not having anything feels wrong too.

Satsekhem spoke of Fallow Times in our Spiritual practice. Now I'm forced to wonder if the past year has been one giant Fallow Time in Spirit-work for me, or if I'm doing something significantly wrong that I'm not seeing.

In any case, I hope somebody out there can relate. When everyone else is swamped by Work, and you're left in silence, it naturally makes you wonder if maybe somebody cut your phonelines.


3 comments:

  1. YO I HEAR YA. I FEEL LIKE THIS ALWAYS. <3

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  2. I completely understand how you feel. I've never felt "called". I have been more than willing to do the "work", but tend to get what I'd call spiritual shrugs in response.

    Recently, though, I had some discussion with other folks that said that when most people feel a call or push from their Spirits or Deities, it's because they need it. They need it because they're having trouble moving forward on their path, stuck in a rut or in denial, etc.

    I'm the type of person who frequently forces myself out of my comfort zone on purpose, because I know it's what I need for success. I try to evaluate myself honestly, and try to check it regularly. So perhaps the Gods haven't "called" me because I haven't needed it yet. I'm going down the path under my own power, and I just need to keep going, and know they're there to push if I need a push.

    So maybe that's where you are too? Maybe they're just waiting for you to use your own strengths to continue on.

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    Replies
    1. I would have to agree about the gods showing up when we need it. I got thumped over the head by Hekate about a month ago: she demanded an altar space and general attention. Since then, I have interpreted her presence as, "Change is coming. Accept it or die this way." Since then? Nothing. She appreciated the candles and honey, but I don't have anything to petition her about -- she was the one who contacted me.

      Sidenote: I am wary of writing these things. I feel I am leaving myself open to a poke from the universe just for writing it down for all to see...

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