Monday, November 19, 2012

PBP 27: Why Spirit-Walking is Inherently Dangerous

{Image from ideachampions.com)


This is going to be another Serious Post. Because I've been thinking lately on my (now) years of astral experiences. Because lately, the Astral has taken over again, and again, I've had to handle some serious shit that I didn't begin, but it's my job, and somebody has to, so I did. And I reflected on yet another set of lives lost, or changed, and events unfolding, and how it definitely makes you older.

The Astral is dangerous. I know, I know. I've said it before. You know it, I know it--but it's not dangerous in the way you think. In the external way. In the way of other shit being able to get to you there. (Well, okay, it IS.) But the most dangerous part of the astral--the part that should really scare you--is the Astral, the Hedge, the Spirit-World--the entity itself.

The Astral is like a slow diease, or a slow, internal decay. When it first snaps you up it's all wonder and crazy magick shit and insane worlds and it's cool. You don't notice that the moment you step foot there, you begin a process of Losing.

The moment you go there, you Lose. You lose the comfort of not believing it's there. You lose the ability to pretend you have just one life. You Lose a lot of comfort. And the minutes you there are minutes you're not living here. You begin to lose time.

It starts slowly, of course. You barely notice, in the beginning, due to the newness, the excitement. You can't help it. The Spider gestures at you, and you follow, because the mystery and secrets contained within are what you've been searching for forever. It occurs to you, maybe, the first time you realize you've been sitting in one place for 5 hours on this plane, astral tripping that entire time, and you have no idea what happened in between. It occurs to you the second time when you first realize you worked on entire day, talked to people, your family, or friends, and the entire time you were off mentally journeying and you have no memory of your entire day. It's not on purpose. It really isn't. It happens because something calls your attention there NOW, so you flip that mental switchboard, and you live that life instead for a while. But while you're there--you're not HERE.

That is why I say there's inherent danger--and why I sometimes wonder why those have a choice would WANT to go. I understand it, though--I do. I didn't really have a choice, but the Astral wasn't as insistent with me as with others. But I often say the Astral is like handing you a giant, beautifully wrapped present. And this narrator voice tells you "Either you can keep the box closed, and live with not knowing what's inside, or you can open the box, retrieve memories, remember people, find your purpose, but suffer unknowable pain, lose people, sometimes repeatedly, and become aware of the condensed pain of multiple lifetimes. But you'll have gained the Knowing." And I was always one of those fuckers that HAS TO KNOW what's inside the box. Just for the sake of knowing.

This is why I wonder why people think Astral travellers are like special snowflakes. In my time there so far, I have seen so many souls live and die, and suffer, and undergo torture at the hands of other entities, undergo extreme bodily harm, pass on only to get stuck, have to be dragged back and killed again because they're a raving lunatic shell of their former soul, and finally have to be put through the gates kicking and screaming before they go. I've seen wars come and go, several times now since my first visions there. None of them were fun or 'interesting'. They were necessary, for balance purposes--but not fun. Sometime around the last war I realized--I'm old. I'm tired. I've been on the astral 4 years and in that time I have seen as much shit as an old wizened army general--complete with souls having appendages torn off, or organs torn out--and I fucking feel it.

The astral is dangerous because in your process of Losing you live a double life. You begin to slowly realize if you tell ANYONE the extent of what you've seen--you'll likely be ostracized. You live like an FBI agent. You live on two levels of Self. One is the Self you show to everyone, the Other is the Self that contains your astral journey, experiences, and the full extent of your soul history and future. You might turn to a friend on level One and think of a funny astral story, then realize oops, they have no idea who or what a Spirit Guide is. Then you might feel the slowly sinking solitary confinement that is the Knowing of all of the shit of the Spirit World, the relationships, the pain, the sorrow, taking on other soul's burdens as part of your own journey, and Seeing shit for how it is--and likely not being able to tell anyone. I tell nobody except Therosebell the extent, fully and completely, of my Astral journeying--and that's because our stories were built together. Before we spoke I was locked in a constant state of isolation and disconnectedness from the rest of humanity. It gets worse if you, like me, have Oracular senses. Then you suddenly meet people you know here on the astral, or know some hardcore shit about their past lives, or deities, or their threads, and you can never tell them. Instead you have to watch them in pain and puzzle it out themselves, which, if you like them, it really fucking difficult to watch over and over again in human lives.

The process of Losing continues when you realize the you that's here is not the whole of You. The Losing continues around the 5th time you realize you're having tea in an astral room of 6 other people and they're all parts of you, and you realize that's not really so strange anymore. It happens when you casually pour tea for the demon visitors that came through the hearth to tell you the current news, and nobody else can see them. It happens the first time your Guide says something that makes 0 sense at the time and it comes true, just like they said, a few weeks later. (And the second time, and the third.) Because it's one thing to believe it--and another to watch shit get too real. The process continues when you're reading and shit is banging on the walls and you go "Can I help you?" and you actually hear a response. It happens when you realize you have more friends there than you do here. And it happens when you fill your first 5 journals chronicling what has happened to you, day by day, and you begin to see connections spanning hundreds of lifetimes, and you realize you were never JUST as young as you thought you were.

Because, here's the rub--once you're in the Know, once you've opened that fucking box--you can't go back. You can damn well try to forget it all, but it doesn't work, my friends. That's the danger of Knowing, of the Astral, of deciding to open your box. That's the true danger of Spirit-Walking. Because though you Lose everything you are--you also gain. You gain knowledge and understanding and relations with things you never thought were possible. But, to some extent, you stop being Just Human.

The Danger is knowing that even in the Pagan community were you ever to reveal the true extent of what you're seen, you'll still largely be thought to be fantasizing or some sort of fraud. (Yes, all of the shit I have revealed to you on this blog is still basically in my level One category. I haven't told you 1/4 of the reality of all of my memories and experiences.) The Danger is losing time because you're living another life somewhere else, and wondering if that's setting back this life any. It's realizing if your family knew they might ship you off to an asylum somewhere. (And in fact, in one of my past lives, that happened. Twice.) And the true scary part is that, once you're here, looking back on as much suffering as I have seen, painted a thousand different ways on a thousand spirit-faces, you realize you still wouldn't trade the experience for ignorance.

It takes an especially masochistic type of person to be an Astral/Spirit-walker, if you ask me. Somebody who takes pain and suffering, horrific visions and memories, as the cost of knowledge, and doesn't regret it even after. This isn't some sort of special awesome-sauce ability. It's a duty. And frankly, if you don't have the Call, be grateful. Because you're side-stepping a whole shitting mess of tangled threads, astral death, MESSY astral death, wars, torture, world death, world birthing, and a whole lot of time lost.

So yes, dear readers, the astral is fucking dangerous. Make no mistake. But the first time you go there--when you step into your own process of Losing--that's by far the most dangerous part.

20 comments:

  1. Thank you... I thought I was the only one that'd seen/done/felt torture and wars and such.

    That moment comes when you realize your comfortable alone physically, because it keeps you from having to explain what you're watching.

    Or when you fail to fully grasp that the conversation on the driveway was just you, in your head.

    When your brother says there's a monster outside, and you *know* there isn't, because you've been in the same room with him the last hour, and the wards are intact.

    ::Shakes head:: I gotta start writing this out. Just for my sanity, if nothing else.

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  2. I really admire your strength and honesty, it makes for serious reading. A friend of mine once told me that my "gift" is Astral projection. I used to be able to do it freely when I was younger but now I am so blocked I can't even meditate - my mind won't let me. When I read posts like this it makes me realise that there are possibilities out there, I just need to do the work. I'm not sure I would want to be a Spirit Walker because it sounds quite terrifying to be honest, but it gives me comfort to know that all things are possible.

    I admire your courage, I'm not sure I could walk into it even for the knowledge but like you, I am the person who has to know what is in the box.

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  3. Upon reading this, I understood that I can relate to your experiences in some way. Though, I have not opened the box, so to say, but I have lived, and still do live a life of isolation from the rest of the world. Because I hold something, that would make my friends and family freak out. But it's not Astral Projection.

    With all the understanding of the consequences of entering the world of Astral, I want to ask you - how should I do it? I know, I know, it's dangerous, and it will change my life forever. But I already had a few visions of my Past life (having my head cut off during the French Revolution. Ouch.), so it's like I'm already one step away from this. How do you start it? How do you begin your visits to the Astral? How do you open the box?

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  4. Hey, kingofwands from Tumblr.

    All I have to say is THIS. THIS is what I try to tell people who approach me with trying to reach the Astral. THIS is what I warn them about. THIS is what they never believe.

    The yearning, the late nights, the lost time. The loneliness of knowing this isn't all there is. Every time I come back it's like switching from a Hi-Def television to a staticky radio and it's agonizingly depressing; I'm not saying that the physical world has nothing to offer, I am saying that there is a severe drop in communication. I am saying that you build a box around yourself and close it off out of fear. Most of all, I am saying that the danger is very, very real.

    So far, there's been a mess of tangled webs, hostile Others, my Astral suicide and rebirth, being lost in an unknown. Being forced to fix things and give up pieces of myself for no other reason besides I am a Dream/Astral-walker, and it's my job. It's what I'm expected to do. It's what Isis charged me to do.

    So no. I won't glamorize this. When the Astral forces you into something, saying no isn't an option. Sure, you can resist for awhile, but soon it'll drag you kicking and screaming whether you like it or not.

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  5. If you would say more on that : "when you first realize you worked on entire day, talked to people, your family, or friends, and the entire time you were off mentally journeying and you have no memory of your entire day"

    It's great, but you never continued on this topic in your article. You speak of people who chose... but what of those who never did ? What of those who never journey on purpose ? What can you tell them ?

    Plus, how do you know, in cases just like the one you describe above, how do you know it's real ? That you're not actually day-dreaming but journeying ?


    Your article was really a shock because I never read something as similar as what I experience.

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    1. Yeah here's the thing--I use "choose" loosely. For most people--you don't get a choice. The best you get is the illusion of choice, and trying to play a massive game of catch-up trying to keep up with the sheer amount of shit the astral throws at you. So if you DO have a choice--some people do--that's what I'm talking about. Otherwise, this is going to happen to you, regardless. And the best you can do is brace yourself for the worst. It's what I had to do.

      What I can tell them is--I'm sorry, but this is how it is for people who get the Call and have jobs to do there. Sit down, have some tea, and tell me your story. Mine is just as bad.

      The thing is you don't know it's real until shit gets TOO REAL and it proves itself to you. This happened for me in many ways: confirmation on astral names I pulled, that therosebell confirmed later were the exact same name. Physical manifestations of astral shit, sounds and movements. Clear movements of fate I could not ignore. Things disappearing and reappearing. "Glitches" in reality. When it happens, you'll know. The first time a being kills you on the astral and you accidentally remember that past life when you were sexually assaulted, you'll lose your pretext of day-dreaming. This I promise you.

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  6. I reblogged this. Thank you for these words.

    http://deathcalls.wordpress.com/2012/11/20/reblog-when-someone-elses-truth-rings-in-your-ears/

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  7. Thank you for admitting that Journeying isn't all wonder and adventure. I got that erroneous impression from other sources, mostly fantasy (or "fantasy") books. To use your gift metaphor: I think I have tried very hard to learn everything I could about the contents of the box without opening it: picked it up, shaken it, maybe even torn a corner of the wrapping to glimpse the plain box inside. But I am too cautious to finish what I started.

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  8. I never had a choice. Once I had the wall fall on me and injury to my brain, it was off to the races. In my case, I end up in the deep past and returning is a bear. It is almost if I am to bear witness to something. At first I thought it was the fugue state or something but no it was something else. I sometimes write about what I have seen but most of the time it is too hard. Glad to see I'm not crazy, and not the only one living a double life.

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  9. I need to know if there are any other (as what I know to be) "Gatekeepers". This blog seems to contain lots of information in areas that I had no clue about, so any information on that one subject would be incredibly helpful.
    Thanks.

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  10. one year ago, almost exactly, I drew a lovely hot scented bubble bath, and climbed into what I thought was going to be one of my favorite night time relaxation rituals. Just me, some bubbles, and a great book. Fifteen minutes later, I was flying from the water, heaving my guts into the toilet, because the taste of my loves blood mixed with his mutilators, my rapists, spit and sweat, was still in my mouth.
    It was the first "vision" I had ever had, and i was not on any pagan path, spiritual path, whatever. I had never tried, thought about, of at that time, even heard of "Spirit Walkers". I hate saying this, but it wasn't the last "vision" either.
    But they did slow, for quite some time, or so I thought. Then I read this Article of yours. And I realized several things, in the short time it took me to read it through... the first time.
    Fisrt, I realized, that OMG! it's like that for other people and nobody ever warns them? WHAT THE FUCK! Because since that night, I have desperately been trying to figure out the for lack of a better term, witchy knowledge necessary to try and put the pieces together.
    The next thing I realized, is that I was all those visions, that everyone else had said... " oh, the deaths usually come first, now it will get better" were Lying! and those assholes don't have to look forward to more of this sick shit.This was right along with the realization that.... Oh No!... it's not over!
    Finally, was the nicest of my little gift basket of happy thoughts. All those times when I was little, and I remembered conversations with people or creatures that no one else did, all the times even as a young woman, when I couldn't ask if what I remembered was real or if I had only dreamed it... those were Astral too, and I didn't know enough about anything magical, had no one to help me, so I was just crazy.
    Isn't that just fantastic as all get out! I am not insane.... but I will be before it is done with me.
    Thank you, so much for this eye opener. I wish I had had a clue of the coming events then, but as you already know too well, I don't see where it would have made any difference. I am glad you have set it on the table exactly as it really is. It is a needed piece of knowledge, that was far too long in waiting for you to arrive. It is a great thing knowing that there is someone who more than understands.

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  11. Thank you for this. In trying to help a friend, I've come to understand that I need to learn how to travel astrally, but it still scares the shit out of me. My need to care for him is a duty, so I'll do it, but being able to read this and put into words why I'm scared of the possibilities was very helpful.

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  12. Good thing I didn't do it when I wanted to

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  13. Hi-

    I was wondering if I could ask a question?

    The thing is I've noticed I seem to slip in and out of... well strange states when I'm on the verge of sleeping.

    It's like my whole body goes numb and tingly then I feel as if I'm being pulled away from it. It never used to worry me, but now there are times when I feel something sits on my chest or squeezes my skull not long after this sensation occurs.

    I try to get away from it, but its like I lose the connection with my body somehow.

    I'm aware this may not be something you personally can give me advice with (if you can that would be great), but do you know someone who might?

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  14. Gate keepers are as "Guardians", They are either protecting or guiding you. Try focusing next time you see them. I know where your coming from, I have spent over 10 years searching for an answer to why I have days then weeks just "Disappear"

    A good friend let me know about Spirit walking. I was so happy just to know I am not the only one with the almost exact same thing happening.. Though it sounds as though you are having a harder time dealing with yours. how long have you been with the spirit walk??

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  15. Great to see your still fighting the fight. When you finish you just don't get understanding and knowledge, when you pass through death you enter the realm of psychological state. If you can overcome this spirit walking in this life then you will be strong as he'll in the psychological universe. You will have so many permissions unlocked and no need to be reborn. The event bigger point is this universe is psychological also and the higher up you go the greater the understanding of how it all works and there is nothing you can do about it so you just observe it all. Japsodute

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  16. Great to see your still fighting the fight. When you finish you just don't get understanding and knowledge, when you pass through death you enter the realm of psychological state. If you can overcome this spirit walking in this life then you will be strong as he'll in the psychological universe. You will have so many permissions unlocked and no need to be reborn. The event bigger point is this universe is psychological also and the higher up you go the greater the understanding of how it all works and there is nothing you can do about it so you just observe it all. Japsodute

    ReplyDelete
  17. Great to see your still fighting the fight. When you finish you just don't get understanding and knowledge, when you pass through death you enter the realm of psychological state. If you can overcome this spirit walking in this life then you will be strong as he'll in the psychological universe. You will have so many permissions unlocked and no need to be reborn. The event bigger point is this universe is psychological also and the higher up you go the greater the understanding of how it all works and there is nothing you can do about it so you just observe it all. Japsodute

    ReplyDelete